i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
3 2 1 whiskey
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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