I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
