She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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