While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
