i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
