ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't put those talents on a resume
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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