The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
