This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I will pee on everything he values.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
