I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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