Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
a search helicopter?!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
