I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
