Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
