I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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