A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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