I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
