If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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