Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
