I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
