I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
