he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
