Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
