my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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