Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
