WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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