Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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