Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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