you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
