I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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