my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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