Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
