i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
