She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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