he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
