I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
