just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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