so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
