She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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