I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
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