forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
