youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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