Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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