and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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