totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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