There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
