drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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