dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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