I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pants are for mortals
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