forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
