Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
