On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
