never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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