Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
