just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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