I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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