So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
