Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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