I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
4 words: hood of his car
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
