I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
