If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
