I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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