Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
