Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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