Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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