its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
