How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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