Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
