When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
